New Brother

Buddy!

Last Saturday, we suddenly decided to adopt a new puppy. It was a choice between a yorkie and a shih-poo. I wanted a puppy that looks like you. But I would also be comparing him to you. So we decided to adopt a yorkie instead. Your new brother is very energetic, playful, stubborn at times but very smart like you. I was surprised that he learned how to sit and play fetch with us. He is cute!

But the thing is, I am not ready to have a new pup in my life. I only want you. I wanted to give him to another loving home. But Mommy Bree likes him a lot and has already bonded with him. She said it's helping her with her grief from losing you. He's not your replacement. You are you. He is your younger brother. But still, I'm not ready. So I told your mom that we will keep him but she's the mommy. I'm just here to support her. I can't force myself to love him. Maybe he'll grow into me when I'm ready. For now, I just want to grieve and think of you.

Sometimes crying my heart out can be very depleting. I tried to help myself by looking at some yt videos on coping. There's one speaker that had lost a 12 yr old daughter from a car accident. She looks at her pictures at night and cries. And that's how I deal with my loss too. Yet she asked this question.. "Is this helping me or harming me?. Put away the photos, go to bed and be kind to yourself". That hit me hard. I need to be kind to myself. I need to ask the same question every time I do something. Sometimes looking at old photos or videos of you, make me feel sad.. sometimes I feel happy..so if it's doing me harm, I'll stop. 

My son, mommy also needs to be happy. I know that's what you want..to see me happy. So I will work on lessening my suffering. And just because on some days I am "ok" doesn't mean I don't miss you. I'm just starting to learn to live without you. But you are always in my heart. Our memories together live on.

I love you Raf... It's been a month since you left. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I miss you so much. I believe your spirit is here with me and I often talk to you lately. I hope I'll see you in my dreams..

I love you my buddy..my son..my little Rafa Bear..be a good boy..

Lots of love,

Mommy B