I Miss You

To Rafa...

I didn't cry as much today. Probably I've cried too hard in the past few days. Mourning has been a daily habit since I lost you, my son, my buddy. Just 3 weeks ago we were still together. I miss everything about you. I love you so much. There's a huge void in my life. Tempting as it may sound, I'm not ready to adopt a new dog. I'm allowing myself to feel this intense pain. 

It's been raining for the past hour. I went outside, sitting at the terrace, looking at the places where you used to walk- by the gate, by the car and all those small corners. I see you..memories of you. You are such a tiny creature who has taken up a huge space in my heart. You are always with me. I wish I can see you.

Rafa, mommy loves you very much. I kept asking you when you were still alive, "Why are you so loved?". You never really did answer me. You're just cradled in my arms like a baby and sleep. Or you would look at me with your tongue out. I called it "nagpa dooding".

Sometimes I get tired of grief. I wish to be happy again. I'm helping myself to start moving on. Maybe there's really no such thing as moving on, we just need to move through it. For now, allow me to mourn. I need to.. it's the only way to heal. One day, I will think of you and think of both good and the bad, but without the pain, without the guilt. Just remember you and the life we shared...as they say, between the hello and goodbye, there's love... Lots of love my son. 

Missing you and loving you forever,

Mommy B.