Guilty Feelings

There are days when I blame myself for your passing. I should have done this or that. But the truth is, I knew in my heart I did everything I could to save you.

While searching for videos on grieving, I came across this video on pet grief

https://youtu.be/tQmafHefyAU

She's right. I think you didn't want to go to the vet and be left without me. Of all the days your symptoms started to appear, it was in the afternoon when we reached the beach house. It didn't appear BEFORE we left. You also became well the day BEFORE all vet clinics were closed ( December 31, 2022). It's like you didn't give me a chance to SAVE you. I have decided to bring you to the vet as soon as they are open. Just the day BEFORE visiting the vet, you passed away on New Year's Day. It was the saddest New Year's Day ever. Maybe you didn't want to die in the animal hospital. Instead, you chose to pass away in our favorite place- the beach. To see it one last time, you and me, just looking at the beach and the horizon as the sun sets. That was your last sunset..it was windy and a bit cold. But you enjoyed the view. You were just sitting down...looking.. enjoying your last view. 

I told you before, I will never leave you, no matter how much it hurts me. You were in my arms when you took your last breath. I took you for cremation, held you and kissed your neck one last time before saying goodbye. I then laid you down inside the cremation, with your eyes open as if you were looking at me. I was there for you right til the end.

You know, I was imagining months before that when your time comes I will opt for euthanasia because I didn't want you to suffer. I was imagining how difficult it must be to be with you on your last day, celebrating your life one last time before you go. I thought it's gonna be painful. But I guess you spared me from that difficult decision. You know it will hurt me deeply. So you decided to go your own way..surrounded by me and the people who love you. On our way back to the city after you passed, I said.. "Rafa, even until your very last day you are still traveling with us". Maybe that's how you wanted it to be.

Thank you so much for your love and making me happy all these years. Mommy will never forget you even when I have moved on. I will still talk to you. 

I miss you Raf, my son, my buddy. I love you. 

With much love,

Mommy B