Late Night Thoughts

Buddy! Last Saturday, we suddenly decided to adopt a new puppy. It was a choice between a yorkie and a shih-poo. I wanted a puppy that looks like you. But I would also be comparing him to you. So we decided to adopt a yorkie instead. Your new brother is very energetic, playful, stubborn at times but very smart like you. I was surprised that he learned how to sit and play fetch with us. He is cute! But the thing is, I am not ready to have a new pup in my life. I only want you. I wanted to give him to another loving home. But Mommy Bree likes him a lot and has already bonded with him. She said it's helping her with her grief from losing you. He's not your replacement. You are you. He is your younger brother. But still, I'm not ready. So I told your mom that we will keep him but she's the mommy. I'm just here to support her. I can't force myself to love him. Maybe he'll grow into me when I'm ready. For now, I just want to grieve and think of you. Sometimes ...

There are days when I blame myself for your passing. I should have done this or that. But the truth is, I knew in my heart I did everything I could to save you. While searching for videos on grieving, I came across this video on pet grief https://youtu.be/tQmafHefyAU She's right. I think you didn't want to go to the vet and be left without me. Of all the days your symptoms started to appear, it was in the afternoon when we reached the beach house. It didn't appear BEFORE we left. You also became well the day BEFORE all vet clinics were closed ( December 31, 2022). It's like you didn't give me a chance to SAVE you. I have decided to bring you to the vet as soon as they are open. Just the day BEFORE visiting the vet, you passed away on New Year's Day. It was the saddest New Year's Day ever. Maybe you didn't want to die in the animal hospital. Instead, you chose to pass away in our favorite place- the beach. To see it one last time, you and me, just looking...

To Rafa... I didn't cry as much today. Probably I've cried too hard in the past few days. Mourning has been a daily habit since I lost you, my son, my buddy. Just 3 weeks ago we were still together. I miss everything about you. I love you so much. There's a huge void in my life. Tempting as it may sound, I'm not ready to adopt a new dog. I'm allowing myself to feel this intense pain.  It's been raining for the past hour. I went outside, sitting at the terrace, looking at the places where you used to walk- by the gate, by the car and all those small corners. I see you..memories of you. You are such a tiny creature who has taken up a huge space in my heart. You are always with me. I wish I can see you. Rafa, mommy loves you very much. I kept asking you when you were still alive, "Why are you so loved?". You never really did answer me. You're just cradled in my arms like a baby and sleep. Or you would look at me with your tongue out. I called it ...